


Seeing Through the Haze

by SucculentStrawberries



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Angst, Desperation, Everyone Is An Asshole, F/M, Gen, Hazing, Humiliation, Humor, I do mean everyone - Freeform, Mementos (Persona 5), Mind Games, Omorashi, One Shot, Persona 5 Spoilers, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Public Humiliation, Rivalry, Situational Humiliation, The Author Regrets Nothing, Urination, Wetting, references to late game plot, the ship is just in the bg so don't come for shumako content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-03
Updated: 2019-07-03
Packaged: 2020-06-03 04:46:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19456648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SucculentStrawberries/pseuds/SucculentStrawberries
Summary: "I don't know... Don't you all think this is rather mean-spirited? I know Akechi isn't the best person, but perhaps if we extend true kindness towards him, he could become our friend... Perhaps we could change his min-""Come on,Haru, it's the dude's first day! Wegottado a little hazing, it's tradition!"((It's Akechi's first time going to Mementos, and The Phantom Thieves of Hearts have a few tricks up their sleeves...))





	Seeing Through the Haze

**Author's Note:**

> Finally a new fic for you all, and for Persona 5! It's nice to go back to my familiar home, haha. I found this draft in my files I had started over a year ago where everyone screws with Akechi just because, and I was inspired to finish it up this week! This can be treated as a legit omo fic if you want, or if you're not into that it could easily be a crack fic. I really just wanted one moment where the Thieves could be jerks to Akechi and get away with it because I hated him SO MUCH during Sae's Palace. You think you can lead my team bitch? Think again. This is my revenge.
> 
> I don't think this counts as character-bashing since like, they all at least disliked him in canon and what they do in here isn't nearly as bad as Multiple Murders, and I still tried to keep his personality intact and have a hint of sympathy. That said, if you love Akechi you might not like this fic. I'm not sure how well I wrote him because I kind of ignored him except for plot cutscenes, never even put him on my team after the mandatory part, and don't really look at fics for him. So take this with about a hundred grains of salt please.
> 
> I hope some of you enjoy this, no matter what reasons you're reading it for! I had fun writing it even if it's kind of petty

"I don't know... Don't you all think this is rather mean-spirited? I know Akechi isn't the best person, but perhaps if we extend true kindness towards him, he could become our friend... Perhaps we could change his min-"  
  
"Come _on,_ Haru, it's the dude's first day! We _gotta_ do a little hazing, it's tradition!"  
  
"I don't believe any of you 'hazed' me..."  
  
"Yeah, well, you were just, like, a special case. You'd already awakened and shit with Mona, and then things started gettin' heavy when your dad-"  
  
_"Ryuji."_ Ann had warned, staring him down from her seat on the bed.  
  
"Er, b-basically you were already real skilled and stuff by the time we took ya' to Mementos! Ya' can't haze somebody who'd see everything comin'!"  
  
Haru stared at the sweating boy for a few moments, then glanced around at the rest of her peers. "Is that true? Was I _really_ so advanced that you couldn't prank me?" Before anyone could answer, she started giggling, attempting to muffle the noise with her hand. "Well, I'm quite flattered!" Her smile fell soon though, as she remembered the reason they were discussing the topic in the first place. "Akira, do we truly have to make his first trip difficult?"  
  
The leader had been sitting in the corner, hunched over his desk as he crafted a few extra lockpicks. Alright, so maybe he'd also had his back turned to hide the wide smirk on his face. Setting the tools down, he tried to compose himself, then spun around slowly to face them, giving an idle stroke to the lounging Morgana in his lap. "I believe it's a necessary evil, my dear Haru..." He managed to maintain the serious look for about three seconds before he caught sight of Ryuji snickering, and then he snorted. Fighting to look at least a little bit sympathetic, he glanced up at their most recent _real_ member. "Listen, I _promise_ it's just for today, and it'll just be some light-hearted messing around. After that, we can... we'll _try_ to break through to him." It still astounded him that despite being the one most personally affected by Akechi's crimes, Haru was the most hopeful that the detective was capable of redemption. Every so often in his own encounters with their soon-to-be traitor, he'd seen the flickers of what might've been, _of course_ he had, but... he couldn't bring himself to share her idealism. Not after everything that Akechi'd done up to this point. Not after all the pain he'd caused, and was going to cause.  
  
No, this time, he'd rather just be petty for _once in his life_ and have a little fun with the bastard.  
  
"Well... _I suppose_ if it's truly just for today, and no one gets badly hurt, I'll play along." the girl finally conceded. "Besides, I'm excited to see what he thinks of Mona-chan as a vehicle!"  
  
"Alright, sweet!" Ryuji swung an arm around Haru's neck, glancing around the attic. "So we're all in now, yeah?"  
  
The rest of the team nodded without hesitation, rising from their perches around the room as Morgana leaped off of his master's lap.  
  
Futaba was chuckling mischievously as she clicked around a few last times on her laptop before snapping it shut. Yusuke had been observing her curiously, his thin eyebrows narrowing in thought whenever she muttered something to him. Hopefully she'd managed to explain the concept of their mission to him. He still hadn't quite realized he was being pranked on his own first day, although the added obliviousness had made it even more entertaining.  
  
Makoto had been fighting a smile the entire time she'd been pretending to read a book, no doubt eagerly awaiting the chance to get back at her semi-rival. Ann had been organizing the extra supplies they'd brought with a determined gleam in her eyes. Once she'd slung the duffle bag onto her shoulder, Akira rose to lead the way down the wooden stairs.  
  
"Alright then, Phantom Thieves. Let's go pick up the new recruit."  
  
~~~  
  
He'd been enjoying the steady rumble of the car ride for a while now, but now wasn't the time for napping. Any good leader should take advantage of temporary lulls in enemies, and so Joker shifted in his seat, peeking around to observe his ragtag army. Fox was content to stare out of the window, surely memorizing the scenery for dedicated sketches later. Panther was in the middle of the row, positioned specifically to keep their two favorite eccentrics from getting too animated (Whether they were arguing or working together, it was just... best to keep such chaotic energy separated with a buffer). To her right was the green glow of several screens, and he called out to the girl in charge of them.  
  
"Oracle, how's everybody faring?"  
  
She dutifully scanned the array of alien symbols he still couldn't make sense of, not looking up as she replied. "We're all good on health thanks to Queen and Mona, but Crow's SP looks pretty low."  
  
"Alright, thanks. Panther, pass him another couple of sodas."  
  
From the center of the very back row, a long red mask poked through the trio of heads. "Pardon me, but do I really have to drink more of these? I haven't seen any of you taking them..."  
  
"That's 'cuz they've all got patches, man!" Skull explained, oh-so-helpfully punching his seatmate in the shoulder. "But the Leader could only afford three, so you're outta luck."  
  
"Wouldn't it be more efficient to swap them around between members for a few battles?"   
  
Oh, true, but where was the fun in that? Still, he kept his face calm and matter of fact as he shifted his attention to Crow. "I usually would, but we need Queen and Panther on the front lines for these floors, and their attacks are eating up a lot of energy. My own personas use a decent amount too. Consumables will work for background support."  
  
"Fair enough, I suppose. But is it healthy to drink this many at once? Sugar and caffeine in _this quantity_ seems a bit excessive."  
  
"Oh, don't worry. You know how the Metaverse likes to warp things. The amount we intake here is actually sort of swapped. You're drinking way less than it appears, and food's the opposite. How did you think I could split one curry meal between everyone here?"  
  
No further argument came from that explanation, and he heard the distinct hiss of a tab being popped. Turning back around to watch the railroad tracks ahead, Akira allowed his lips to twitch. While what he said was true, that didn't mean those drinks wouldn't bother Akechi at all. Even if seven cans were equivalent to three, it would still be enough to catch up with him soon enough. And there was something to be said for the psychological discomfort... Would the knowledge he'd provided ease his worries, or would the sight of all those empty cans nag all the same? _Drink up, newbie._  
  
~~~

_Just don't dwell on it. There can't be that many more floors to go through..._   
  
Unfortunately, he'd told himself that very same thing about seven floors ago. And he'd had to chug down another few sodas since then.  
  
Keeping his hands clasped calmly in his lap, Akechi let his thighs press together as he glanced past Skull to look out the window. The pitch black and grimy splashes of colour were still bizarre, and so were the looming, skeletal masses of inhuman body-horror he could see skulking about in the distance. There wasn't much he found unnerving at this point in his life, but the scenery outside did manage to send a shiver of anxiety through him, his bladder twinging sharply in response. It took all of his willpower not to flinch or groan, and he tried to focus on the idle conversation around the cat-bus.  
  
His focus completely failed as he sucked his lip between his teeth, shifting his hips ever so slightly.  
  
_They mentioned waiting areas earlier, right? We'll come across one at some point, and then perhaps I can finally-_  
  
The vehicle jolted with a heavy slam as their driver bashed into another Shadow, sending a fresh throb of urgency shrieking in his abdomen. _Damn it, Makoto!_  
  
"Crow, hop out!" Joker called, already gripping the handle on the passenger door. "I need you in battle!"  
  
~~~  
  
"Crow-kun, are you alright?" The soft voice took a moment to drift into his awareness, and he pulled his gaze away from the window beyond Skull. "You usually sit much straighter, like you're in an interview, even when you aren't."  
  
_Am I alright? Haha! I've never needed to urinate so urgently in my entire life!  
_  
"Oh, yes Noir, I'm quite fine!" he chirped, forcing as much cheer as possible into his smile. What was his image if not a people pleaser, after all? "I suppose I'm just a bit tired. If I might make a confession to you, riding in vehicles always makes me sort of drowsy."  
  
"Would you like an energy drink, or some coffee?" the girl had asked, already digging through a bag of supplies Panther had passed back a while ago. "I'm sure it would perk you up!~"  
  
"No!" _God no!_ "Er, I mean, no _thank you."_ he corrected, holding a hand out in polite declination. _"_ I'll be alright once I get a chance to stretch my legs." he assured her. _If I can even stand without crossing them..._  
  
Thankfully, the girl took his answer with no further questioning, simply turning around to giggle to the others about how much she enjoyed chopping Shadows up with her beloved axe. For goodness' sake... Were they certain they didn't have _two_ murderers in their midst? He might have been unsettled by her behavior if he hadn't been so preoccupied.  
  
He though he was honestly about to _explode,_ his bladder felt so over-swollen. His outfit seemed to be digging into it with every breath, and with a person on either side, he couldn't squirm much. He really wasn't sure if he'd be able to make it back to the entrance by this point.  
_  
Damn it, Damn it, Damn it!_  
  
He'd figured out by now that despite being a fairly accurate subway (minus the tracks crawling partway up the ceiling and the random treasure chests, anyhow), there were no actual facilities in this dreadful place. The one waiting area they'd visited had been proof of that, and he'd barely had a moment to sit there before that bastard had dragged them onwards, insisting they had more materials to scavenge and enemies to study deeper below. No one had asked to stop once in the seemingly endless floors since, and he certainly couldn't get out to go on the road, not with massive Shadows and something called The Reaper roaming around. He'd initially thought Skull was pulling his leg with that one, but then they'd heard _the literal chains being yanked_ on a floor they'd spent a particularly long time on _._ He'd honestly thought he wouldn't survive the reckless, _breakneck speeds_ their getaway driver had used to all but _plummet_ the bus down the stairs.  
  
Joker had insisted on keeping him on the primary team too, so he was always doing the fighting with every monster they bumped into. _'It'll be good experience,'_ he'd said, _'I need to see how you and your Persona work so we can strategize,'._ Fair enough, and while fighting these meager enemies might be tedious and far below his rank, he might have come to enjoy it any other time. But for the last few floors he was barely able to focus to command Robin Hood, and his physical coordination was utterly shot. He hadn't been able to dodge an attack unscathed in at what felt like an hour.  
  
His condition was becoming a legitimate hazard. It had only been inconvenient before, but if this kept up, there was a distinct possibility he could become grievously injured, or worse. He would _not_ die to such worthless enemies. And he'd be _damned_ if he didn't get to go through with his plans...  
  
He _had_ to suck it up and say something. Even if he'd much rather slit his own throat.  
  
Taking a slight breath, he cleared his throat to cut through the wretched noise of Mona and Skull's 'singing'. "Excuse me, if I might interrupt for just a moment." Once the chattering fell silent, he fixed his gaze on the backs of those in the very front. "We've been at this for quite a while now, haven't we? Surely our supplies are running low by this point-"  
  
"Actually, we're quite well stocked!" the artist cut him off, leaning over his seat to glance back. "Since I was banned from holding onto the supplies, we've had several to spare!"  
  
"Yeah, 'cuz ya finally quit eatin' all the damn rations!" Skull snorted.  
  
If Fox was offended, he didn't show it. "Anyhow, please rest assured. We are well prepared for the winding road ahead. I daresay, even if this subway turned out to be _eternal,_ we would be able to keep going!"  
  
"Well, that's certainly good to know..." he muttered, crossing his legs against the pounding waves. "But aren't you all growing tired? It gets dark so much _earlier_ this time of year, and you're all still regular students, yes? Er, minus you of course, Oracle. But it would be terrible if the rest of you fell behind on your studies!"  
  
"Aw, thanks Crow, but don't worry about us! We're used to the routine by now, so we aren't tired at all!" Panther grinned at him. "And anyway, it's November, so we don't have any exams to worry about!"  
  
"And if any of our members _were_ to fall behind on schoolwork, I've already volunteered to tutor them." Queen added. "So no one is in any danger here." _  
_  
Damn it! Were these people really too dense to take a tactful hint? Was he honestly going to be forced to spell it out? Feeling his face begin to burn as another bump in the road forced him to tense, he tried to ignore the fact that the entire bus was going to hear what he was about to say. He was supposed to be advertising himself as _an asset_ to them, someone they couldn't clear Sae-san's Palace without! And he was about to admit he was the _weakest_ of all of them...  
  
His muttering didn't seem to reach the ears of their leader.  
  
"Sorry Crow, didn't catch that. Mind speaking up?"  
  
In his effort to avoid repeating it a third time (and perhaps because they hit a very large bump at that exact moment), he ended up overcompensating, all but _shouting_ his predicament in a rush. **_"I'dliketousetherestroom!"_** Everyone was staring at him now, and he bit his lower lip, sinking into his seat and pressing a single gloved hand to his right temple.   
  
_"Oh,_ okay..." Joker nodded, casting him what he supposed was intended to be a reassuring smile. "Don't worry, we're almost done with our expedition. Shouldn't be long, half an hour tops."  
  
_Oh God,_ he couldn't wait another half hour _on top of_ the entire ride back! It was going to be a test of willpower as it was! "Couldn't we leave a bit earlier than that?"   
  
"Alright, then we'll turn back as soon as we reach the-"  
  
"If you _don't mind,_ I would prefer to turn back _now._ _Please." God,_ he'd nearly spat that last word out like _acid,_ and he almost had to be grateful that the desperation had forced his voice to remain higher-pitched, quivering and cracking like he was about to cry. If it wasn't, he wouldn't be able to maintain his polite, nervous façade. He wanted to strangle them for crowding him in this damn, hellish bus, strangle their precious _leader_ for being so oblivious to his teammates' needs to not even _consider_ they might need a break-  
  
Joker's jaw seemed to tense for a split second, the slightest indication that the bastard was irritated at his interruption, at a challenge of authority. But the boy swallowed it just as quickly, dipping his head with a sympathetic (perhaps regretful) smile. "Of course, sorry. You're right, Crow, we'll head back ASAP. Queen, if you wouldn't mind?"  
  
"On it, Joker!"   
  
Bracing his hands against the black cushions did _nothing_ to brace his body for the ride he was about to experience. With her spiked knuckles gripping the steering wheel and a red glare of determination glowing in the darkness, Queen sent the bus speeding forwards and then whipping in a one-hundred-and-eighty degree turn, the tires screeching and sparking against the train tracks. Everyone in the vehicle was thrown against the back of their seats or the wall of the doors as they spun, the sheer kinetic force seeming to settle like a rock in his bursting bladder. Every muscle was clenched as he grit his teeth, heart pounding in his chest. When they did reach the road they were now traveling back down, he was almost thrown back into his seat, slumping forwards with a gasp.  
  
"Alright everyone, make sure you're secure!" Queen commanded. "I'm going to _floor it!"_  
  
_"PLEASE DON'T!!!"_

He should have been embarrassed by the panicked yelp that had flown out of his mouth, ragged and gasping and completely devoid of dignity. But he himself was completely devoid of dignity, still shaking with terror and rocking slightly in his seat while he kept his legs crossed. His face was beyond red underneath his mask, and that flush only spread to his ears and neck as everyone in the car turned to gawk at him, his two biggest rivals being the most notably concerned.  
  
"But Ak- er, _Crow,_ wouldn't you prefer if we made the most expedient trip possible?" Queen murmured, eyebrows furrowing under metal plating. "I mean, pardon me for saying this, but..." Her cheeks seemed to flush a shade of pink, and she glanced away, keeping her gaze fixed on the back window behind him. "Y-You, er, you don't seem like you have _a wealth of time_ left..."  
  
He didn't. Loathe as he was to admit it, the bitch was correct. He would have honestly given in at this point and clutched himself, if only there wasn't surrounding company filling him with _the last semblance_ of shame and common decency.  
  
"I'm... I'm fully aware of that..." he squeaked out, his smile shaking with every word as he struggled not to groan. His forehead was slick with sweat now, his longer portions of hair clinging to his face in the most _disgusting_ ways. "I-It's just..." _You drive like a goddamn madwoman!!! I would be safer walking!!!_ "I'm just concerned that at, um, s-such speeds, and with all of the bumps and jostling..." Oh, and he would rather _swallow arsenic_ than spit out what he was about to be forced to admit, but they were all waiting, scrutinizing him curiously. "I-I'm just afraid... it wouldn't be the best course of action..." he finally choked out, face burning hotter than the blonde cougar's flames.  
  
"Fuck, I'm _so sorry,_ Crow..." He finally glanced from Queen's face to Joker's, wincing at the amount of concern in the man's eyes. "We didn't realize you were _actually_ so close to... Don't worry, it'll be okay." After Joker patted the edge of his own seat like it was his back, the vigilante turned back around, facing the woman who, by all accounts, was basically _his damn wife._ "Queen, be extra gentle on the ride back, alright? Like we've got a baby in the backseat."  
  
_Oh, I can't **wait** to put a bullet through your fucking skull..._

A lacey glove alighted on his shoulder, and he forced his expression of discomfort to stay at a light grimace. "It's alright, Crow! You'll make it! Just don't think about waterfalls, or rain, or anything else of a wet nature!" He sincerely doubted Okumura's spawn had intended to be anything other than helpful with that advice (she was so kind and naïve that it was almost sickening), but he had to fight the urge to glare at her, gritting his teeth. He hadn't had any of those in mind until she'd mentioned them, and now the images wouldn't leave his head! _I should have killed you instead of your father!_  
  
"Yeah dude, and don't think about all the sodas you drank neither!" Skull had snorted, ruffling his hair as if he was simply _begging_ for a reason to be shot. "I bet they're all sloshin' around in there, aren't they? How many'd ya' have, four? Seven?"  
  
"Skull, that's enough!" Joker hadn't turned around, but he could see the warning look reflected in the outside mirror. "Don't push Crow too far. Poor Mona would kill us all if anything happened in here, and I wouldn't blame him."  
  
A voice crackled to life on the radio speaker, cutting through the music Futaba had been playing. "YEAH, DON'T YOU DARE GET ME WET!!! I'LL PUT YOU ALL TO SLEEP, _PURRMANENTLY!"_  
  
"Don't worry Mona, nothing's gonna happen!" Panther soothed, giving the ceiling a gentle pat. "I mean, it's bad, yeah, but it's not like we're in kindergarten! He'll stay dry, and so will you! So just focus on dodging those Shadows, 'kay?"  
  
As they curved to avoid one a few minutes later though, he had to have his doubts about the validity of Panther's confidence. Every pulse in his abdomen felt like a countdown, more painful than the last. His breath had long since grown shallow and uneven, and he couldn't keep still to save his life, jiggling one leg on top of the other or shuffling to double cross one way or another, hunching forward or leaning back... Nothing at all seemed to be easing the ache, and he was unable to focus on any of the distracting chatter they tried to provide, his urge to void becoming all-consuming.   
  
No, he was a prodigy though. He was Goro Akechi, The Detective Prince and deadly assassin, a criminal mastermind and an angel bringing justice upon the world. If he could get through so many trials and tests, and perform so many feats, he could get through this.  
  
"Uh oh..."

Two words cut through him like a knife, twisting in his chest. He couldn't dare to bring himself to ask, but Joker was quick to speak up for him.  
  
"What's up, Oracle?"  
  
"I-It's nothing big, don't worry! J-just um, a small set back, kind of! I mean, um-"  
  
"It's okay, Oracle, I'm sure whatever it is, it's not your fault." Joker murmured, turning around to look the redhead in the eyes. "But you _have_ to _tell me._ What's going on?"  
  
"Okay... I, uh, I swear I don't know how it happened! But the maps, th-they're... They're completely wiped!"  
  
_"What!?!"_ He'd yelped before he could stop himself, shooting up to grip the headrest and stare at the blank screens in the row ahead of him. "What do you _mean_ they're wiped!?! _What_ did you-"  
  
"Crow, _sit down."_ It was _almost_ impressive, really, how Joker could command so sharply without raising his voice above a mutter. But in a heartbeat, his attention was shifted back to Oracle, any edges gone from his tone. _"Every_ map from the floors we've explored today?"  
  
"Yep, all of them!" Oracle cringed, scrolling though the pages. "Necronomicon and I are trying, but I don't think we'll be able to get them back! Wh-What do we do?"  
  
"Well..." Joker pressed his fingertips against the bridge of his mask. "If there's nothing you can do, we'll just have to rely on our memory. And if that fails, just keep going until we find the stairs..."  
  
"H-Hey, uh, listen! I'm _really_ sorry, Crow!" Oracle was barely peeking at him, half-hunched in her seat. That was for the best, given that he wasn't sure _what_ he would do if she was within grabbing distance. "This usually _never_ happens, I swear!!!"  
  
"I-It's _fine..."_ he managed to gasp out, waving off her apology with the one hand that wasn't gripping his own knee like a vice. "I- _ah..._ I have faith in all of you!"  
  
Faith that they were all incompetent. Well-meaning, _but dreadfully incompetent..._  
  
~~~  
  
To say that the ride was hell would be _an understatement._

Even with Queen sticking to her orders and driving with considerably less road rage, he was in agony. The slightest jostle would send what felt like _gallons_ of liquid sloshing around in his bladder, and the pain was growing more intense with each throb, radiating down to his member. He refused to grasp himself down there, so he'd resorted to keeping his arms crossed while he sat hunched over, jiggling his legs or fanning them in and out. It didn't help. _Nothing helped,_ not the attempted distractions of his 'teammates', not any amount of shifting or squirming. By the time they reached the halfway point he'd _leaked_ at least _twice,_ an action that was equal parts horrifying and relieving. The now-cold dampness against his boxers only served as torture, reminding him of how easy it would be to relieve himself right here.   
  
He was supposed to be dignified, not whimpering like a _worthless mutt_ with every breath. Not sitting here being patted and cooed to with encouraging words by this pack of _fools._  
  
"I think it's just a couple more floors, Crow." Joker called. "Hang in there."  
  
What the fuck do you **think** I've been doing?  
  
He was actually shaking now, trembling hands crushed into fists as he tensed up even further in his seat. Just a few more floors. He could handle that. He was utterly beside himself, his mind consumed solely by his desire, but he could manage. It was almost encouraging.

When Mona _finally_ came to a stop, he nearly cried. He didn't even care that he had to take Skull's hand to help pull himself up and out of the bus, still hunched over with his knees locked together, every breath heaving through clenched teeth. Every step was painful, he could swear he could feel the pent-up urine rushing to press against _the very exit,_ but at least he'd made it. Letting go of Skull, he stumbled forwards and up the Mementos station steps, clinging onto the guard rail as he hobbled. Just a few minutes. Just a few more minutes, and he would finally be able to-  
  
As the red and black of Mementos faded and the real subway tunnel began to come into focus, his own focus waned for just a few seconds. A few seconds where relief at arriving at their destination overshadowed concentration, but that was all it took. Suddenly, he was aware of heat blooming in his boxers, swiftly spreading outwards to start pressing against his left thigh. _No. No no no no-  
  
_Try as he might, his body refused to shut the floodgates once it had started. He clenched and squeezed and finally even gave in to grasp himself for a brief moment, but it was no use. His bladder was contracting in spasms, harsh jets squirting out to hiss into his pants, turning into a torrent as he pulled his hands away and stood there, utterly frozen. He was _pissing himself._ In a _public location._ In front of his greatest enemies, the mere _pawns_ in his plan.  
  
Despite the soft moans starting to be drawn from his lips, he was the furthest thing from relieved. As the warm wetness spread to cling all the way down his leg, as his bulging abdomen slowly shrank and his breathing began to slow, he could only feel humiliation. Disgust. Guilt. The puddle growing on the tile reflected his own disbelief back at him, and he tried to glance away, only to meet seven sets of eyes and gaping mouths staring at him. He refused to look down at the eighth sitting at their feet.

As if Mementos hadn't already distorted time enough, this moment in the real world felt like an eternity. He wasn't sure exactly how long it actually lasted, but when the last few spurts finally trickled to a stop, and he was left standing on trembling legs and his face freshly aflame, Joke- _Akira_ was already striding towards him. If he was embarrassed, or shocked, he was doing a remarkable job shoving it aside and thinking on his feet, his voice steady and his eyes clear as he began calling commands.  
  
"Alright, let's act fast. Ann, Yusuke, and Haru, head to the mall upstairs and fetch some fresh clothes and supplies. I'll reimburse you later. Futaba, Makoto, and Morgana, you're on surveillance. Make sure none of his fans come this way. Ryuji, you and I are gonna shield him until we get to the Safe- I mean, bathroom." Akira shook his head slightly, redirecting his focus as he stepped uncomfortably close, the blonde Neanderthal following suit. "Everyone, get moving."  
  
With a snap of the leader's fingers, the entire crew dispersed as seriously as any mission, and he found himself being nudged swiftly through the crowded hallways. True to their word, both boys were doing their best to shield him without looking suspicious, keeping pace in front and behind to block his pants from view. Despite that knowledge, his stomach was churning with disgust with every odd person they passed, all too aware of the way his now cold khakis were clinging with every step, and how starkly they stood out amongst the plaid uniform pants of his escorts.  
  
He wasn't sure what was more humiliating. The fact that he'd been pathetic enough to piss himself like _a goddamn toddler,_ or the fact that his most dire enemies were kind enough to assist him afterwards, without him even asking for their help.  
  
No, not kind. _Pitying._  
  
They were herding him around and doing everything for him because they thought he was _helpless._ Poor, _pitiful_ Akechi, so useless he couldn't be trusted to clean up his mess on his own and get out unseen.

He didn't _need_ their pity.  
  
"Step in here, Akechi." Akira pulling a door open snapped him out of his thoughts, and he had to force himself to flash a meek, grateful nod instead of glowering. "Just do what you can, and Ryuji will be right outside this door if you need anything. I'm gonna meet up with the others to fetch the supplies."  
  
With that, his rival hurried off, leaving Ryuji to give him a stinging clap on the back. "Hey, uh, don't sweat it, buddy! This shit could happen to any of us!" Ryuji's grin faltered after a few seconds, and the blonde scratched his head. "I mean, not that it's happened to me. Or... any of them. Ever. _Damn,_ you're actually the first person I've seen lose it since, like, Elementary?" When the idiot became lost in thought with that revelation, he coughed into his shoulder once, startling him back into speaking. "But uh, seriously, no sweat! Don't let this get ya' down!"   
  
Well, given what Ryuji had just pointed out, he was pretty sure it was _impossible_ for him to sink any lower. Of _all the things_ that could have happened, to lose his dignity like this. He was already worthless, cast aside, he knew that, had made his peace with it. But to fail at something so _goddamn_ simple _a child_ could grasp it...  
  
"Shit man, you're not gonna _cry_ or nothin', are ya'?" Ryuji's voice cut through his thoughts again, and he tried to ignore the hitching in own breath. _You have no concept of the word 'tact', do you? Dumbass._  
  
Shutting his eyes, both to conceal the glimmering moisture _and_ to avoid giving him a look that could kill, he pressed a hand to the bridge of his nose. "No no, I'm... alright. Please don't worry about me!"  
  
"Are ya' sure dude?" Ryuji hung an arm around his neck with such force it nearly choked him, and he tried not to grimace at the sweat and body odor he was now pressed against. If this was how the oaf tried to show affection to his friends, he loathed to think of what he did to his enemies. He almost felt _sorry_ for Akira having to put up with it. "Cuz' it was pretty 'effed up what happened back there, and you always seemed kinda sappy in your interviews, so-"

Squirming out from his assailant's grip, he dusted himself off, even if it wasn't going to do much to an appearance that was _already soiled._ "I _assure you,_ I'm _not_ going to _cry."_ He wasn't quite able to contain the venom this time, but the voice crack concealed it, hopefully. Even if it completely undermined what he had tried to say. Before Ryuji could say anything else in response, he whipped around to step into the single stall restroom, almost slamming the door shut behind him.   
  
"Hey, if ya' do cry in there, it's cool! I won't tell anyone! Bro code, yeah?"  
  
He had to grip at his hair just to give his hands something to squeeze the life out of. _For the love of God, **shut up.** _What was the point of hiding in here to avoid attention if that loudmouth was just going to holler at the door?  
  
He was all but snarling as he turned to glare at himself in the mirror, surveying the damage. His face was a wreck, blotchy and flushed in patches and eyes reddened around the edge from unshed tears. His hair was disheveled and his lower lip was bloody. It was with great regret that he remembered his concealer was still in his bag, sitting in the hallway with all of their backpacks.  
  
His sweater vest and undershirt hadn't managed to escape the damage. In his efforts to hunch over earlier, he'd only succeeded in letting the parts that were tucked in get soaked by the flood, and the same was true for the sleeves he'd finally shoved between his legs towards the end. It was just as well. Even if they had been spared, his pants would absolutely give him away. The dark patch was unmistakable, starting in a spot on one thigh and traveling downwards in veritable rivulets, each tiny stream branching off and blooming outwards until his leg was completely soaked. Some of it had soaked back to form a sizeable ball on his crotch, and there were even a few spare streams that had spilled onto his other leg and inner thighs, collecting at his ankles before they'd finally hit his shoes. Ugh, his shoes. Those were going to be a bitch to clean out later, because while the outside was unscathed, the insides had certainly collected a fair amount of liquid, which his socks had been _comfortably marinating in._  
  
What the hell was he even supposed to do here? Try paper towels? Pray?

He settled for washing his hands and face, trying to think of any possible solutions. He was always the one with a plan, how had he not accounted for this?  
  
Because it was ridiculous that _this_ had even happened. He'd honestly thought he was above such a scenario, and _as usual,_ his ego was due to be punished for _daring_ to believe he wasn't a complete fuckup.  
  
"Ryuji, why don't you go meet up with the others and watch Morgana for me?" Akira's voice barely filtered through the door, which was a small semblance of relief. At least _one of them_ had a hint of understanding when it came to subtlety. How Ryuji hadn't gotten the Thieves caught in Palaces long beforehand was a mystery to him.  
  
"Are ya' sure? I could stay and help!"  
  
"You've done a lot, and I'm sure he appreciates your support. But three's a bit of a crowd. I'll just get him settled, then I'll meet back up with you."  
  
"Fineee..." Ryuji grumbled. "Yo Ake-" his voice was muffled, presumably by a hand over his mouth, and after a moment of struggle, he called out again. "Uh, I mean Yo _dude!_ No one's judgin' ya' or nothin! This won't affect how we see ya _at all!"  
  
"Go,_ Ryuji. _Now."_ Akira commanded, and finally footsteps strode off, growing steadily fainter. After a moment, Akira knocked. "Hey, it's just us now. Can you open the door?"  
  
Swallowing his pride (and perhaps a bit of phlegm), he pulled it open a crack to face his rival. Akira's arm had a handful of shopping bags hanging off of it, his hand resting on the back of his neck.   
  
"So... how are you holding up?" the boy murmured, glancing him up and down.   
  
"Oh, about as well as one can when they've just _publicly humiliated themselves.~"_ He forced a chuckle. "I wish I had your level of confidence. You don't seem to have _a care in the world_ what people think of you!" As he started to reach for the bags though, Akira stepped back, apparently bashful as he glanced at the floor.   
  
"Oh, I don't know about that. I couldn't get up on TV like you do. I'd completely freeze up. And running from all the paparazzi following your every move, just _waiting_ for you to slip up... It sounds like a nightmare..." Shaking his head, he shifted his arm to gesture as he spoke. "I'm _so sorry_ this happened, Akechi. If I'd known..."

"Oh, it's _fine,_ Akira, truly! It's in the past now, after all, and I'd like to _keep it_ that way, if you don't mind...~" Yet again, his attempt to reach forward was thwarted by Akira's damn fidgeting, the boy scuffing the floor with his shoe.   
  
"Yeah, I know, but _still..._ I feel fucking terrible about it. I'm supposed to be the leader, and that means keeping an eye on everyone. I should have been paying more attention. I'm sorry, and I hope I can make it up to you when we go back to Sae's Palace later this week." Toying with his glasses, Akira sighed. "You're such a prodigy at everything, I guess I forgot you're _still human_ like the rest of us. And that you're more inexperienced... I really should have made your first Mementos run _easier..."_ The boy finally met his gaze, flashing him a hint of a smile. "But hey, this is just a lesson for us, right? I guess we can both learn some humility from this." And with that, Akira passed him the bags, stepping out of the doorway. "I'll wait here to walk you out."  
  
He was quick to shut the door, shivering slightly as he realized he was _finally_ going to get out of these cold, sopping clothes. But his relief faded the moment he began rifling through the bags, the sight leaving him slack-jawed. While casual wear wasn't his style, it wasn't the presence of the t-shirts, baseball caps, and sweatpants that bothered him.  
  
It was the logos. The colour scheme. _All of these clothes_ were Phantom Thieves of Hearts merchandise.  
_  
Of all the gall.  
  
_ True, it was all on clearance now, given the public's swaying opinion, but _still._ They had clearly picked these out for the fun of it. He supposed he couldn't blame them for having a little fun when given such a _ripe_ opportunity-  
  
Hold on.  
  
Those bastards couldn't have-

It almost seemed like a ridiculous idea, a desperate way to cast blame, but now that he thought back to the last few things Akira had said... That partial smile hadn't been apologetic. No, Akira had looked too much like that damn cat of his, swallowing a canar- _Crow._ He had _planned_ to _swallow the crow._  
  
_This was a fucking **set up!!!** Goddamn it!!!  
_  
From the very beginning, this had _all_ been a plot to knock him down a few pegs, to _humiliate_ him. Of course. A leader didn't take kindly to someone swooping in and taking charge the way he had been. Joker may not be able to hold the reigns in the casino, but here in the mall, in the subways and Mementos, it was all _his domain.  
_**  
**_You mother **fucker!!!  
  
**_His little lackeys _had_ to be in on it too. All of those kind words and apologies, they were utterly _patronizing_ in retrospect. All of those little inconveniences, all of them had been intentional. Every (metaphorical) bump in the road had been laid out meticulously, building up to the ultimate moment of forcing him to come undone, to lose control of himself and the situation and be forced to _grovel_ at their feet for mercy and assistance. To establish him as the lowest rung on the ladder, the whelpling who had to be trained and cared for. They may reluctantly _trust_ him to do the right things in the Palace, _need_ him for their mission, but this proved that not a single one of them _liked_ him.  
  
And to choose a punishment so _mundane,_ so utterly harmless that there was _no possible way_ to _prove_ any of it had been more than coincidence and his own faults, no way to call them out without looking even _more foolish_ than he already did...

_They're goddamn sadists. What the fuck...  
  
_In _all_ the potential punishments and forms of torture he could dream up for his victims, _not once_ would he have contemplated something like this. Was it the most stupid, overall _pointless_ idea he'd ever seen? Or the most _brilliant?_  
**  
** He was shaking as he ripped off the clothing tags, his face blazing red. He didn't think he'd ever been this _furious,_ this _helpless_ in his life! There was nothing he could do to right this injustice. No way to take revenge, no way to rip into them. Just like with Shido, he had no other choice but to swallow his rage behind politeness and subservience, forced to lie down belly-up like _a fucking lapdog._ He would get his chance later, and he would make it _excruciating,_ but until then he would have to bide his time.   
  
By the time he got changed and shoved his sopping clothes in one of the bags, he'd managed to plaster a smile back onto his face with the help of some deep breathing exercises. Showbiz tricks worked wonders for people about to strangle their co-hosts, and the same was true here. And so he stepped out, letting Akira get a nice, long look at that wretched outfit. He had the baseball cap on backwards in truly obnoxious fashion, and combined with the long and short sleeved t-shirts layered, the sweatpants, and some truly garish socks and sneakers to polish it off, he was honestly wondering if the _pissed pants_ might have gained less attention.  
  
"I'd say you look like our number one fanboy, but I'm afraid that title's already taken." Ha ha. And so he had earned his codename, the simply _hilarious_ Joker.  
  
"Well, I suppose I'll just have to hope the interviewers don't spot me in these, haha!"  
  
"Yeah, sorry about that. It was the quickest thing we could pull together." Akira ducked down for a moment, picking something up from against the wall. "Here, I fetched your bag when I got the rest of the supplies. Figured you wouldn't want to face the whole pack of them again."

"Ah, thank you! It's appreciated." The bag might have been more useful _earlier,_ when he still had a mirror to apply fresh makeup, but sure. Considerate. To be fair, Akira honestly _didn't_ know what he kept in there, so perhaps that one really was something he could let slide. "Oh, and I don't mind. I suppose the irony is pretty funny. Perhaps sometime we can put you in a sweater vest and tie!~"  
  
"Makoto'd probably be on board with that, actually." Akira snickered. "She's always saying she wishes I'd clean up a bit."  
  
_Ah, so she shares the same tastes as her sister, does she?_ It was a tempting barb, but he swallowed it. He could hurt them both soon enough...  
  
"Yes, well, I suppose we've conversed enough for tonight. It's going to get dark soon, and I have a train to catch. Thank you for all of your help, Akira, and I apologize for disgracing myself in such a fashion." he added, scarcely believing he had to put aside his pride and _bow_ to criminal scum.  
  
"Akechi, you don't have to apologize for that-"  
  
"Nevertheless, I hope you know I'll be putting in my full effort going forward. Next time, you'll see what I'm _truly_ _capable of,_ I promise you that. Farewell, and thank the others for me, please!" And with that last sugary smile and a handwave, he began to stride off, heading through the hallway towards the deeper crowds and disappearing.  
  
This day was... not one of the best, he'd admit. But it would fade in time, a minor blip in his upcoming legacy...

_You don't know who you're messing with, Akira Kurusu... But just give it a few more weeks, a month... Then we'll see who's laughing..._

~~~

After watching their amusing detective depart, clad from head-to-toe in an outfit that even _Mishima_ would consider too much support, Akira found his way through the halls and stairways, eventually reaching the hangout where his loyal comrades were waiting. He hadn't seen them this happy in weeks, honestly. Even if the cause was... less than moral, it was nice to see smiles on their faces again, to hear giggling and outright laughter filling the air. _  
  
_ "So, spill!" Ann had pounced in an instant, and Yusuke and Haru weren't far behind.   
  
"Yes, please describe the fruits of our labours! I must say, it was difficult to cast aside everything I knew about taste and aesthetics!"  
  
"Did Akechi-kun put on the hat? I thought it would really suit him, hehe~!" _  
  
_ "I can do better than describe. I snapped a pic while he was leaving." With a smirk, he dug out his phone, passing it around so they could all marvel at their handiwork.  
  
"OMG, he really _is_ a fashion disaster!" Ann cackled. "Can you believe I ever thought he was cute?!?"  
  
"How is it people describe it? Like a car crash? Something so wretchedly hideous, you can't help but stare..."

"Oh, what do you believe would happen if the press got ahold of this? Certainly the magazine articles would be more interesting!"  
  
"I agree, Haru, but I'm afraid this one is going to stay with us. For posterity." he chuckled. After all, Akechi's hatred of the Phantom Thieves was an essential part of their future plans. They couldn't afford to risk that, no matter how amusing the fallout would be. As the trio murmured their agreement, he turned to grin at the other members, pretending to wipe a tear from his eye. "You've all played your parts well. _I'm so proud..."_  
  
"Yeah, well, that was a little too close for comfort!" Morgana hissed, crinkling his nose. "If we'd been a few floors lower before he caved, I would've been soaked!"  
  
"Sorry Mona, I honestly didn't think he'd lose it like that. I mean, I was _at least_ betting he'd get into the mall first." Squatting down, he gave his companion a comforting scratch behind the ears. "Y'know, I think the real kicker is if he hadn't interrupted me back there, he probably would've been fine. I was _going_ to say we'd turn back at the waiting area two floors down. I could have teleported us all right back to the beginning."  
  
"Eh, serves him right for bein' an 'effin _dick."_ Ryuji snorted. "I'm glad we took the long way, I got to watch him squirm the whole damn time! Sometimes I'd _'accidentally'_ elbow him in the side just to watch him jump, haha!"  
  
"Well, no harm, no foul, I guess..." the feline huffed, fangs beginning to show in a grin. "It _was_ pretty funny! Humans look so silly waddling like that, nyahaha!"

"I'll admit, it was satisfying to throw him around back there..." Makoto murmured, lips curving slyly. "I don't think I've ever seen him so scared of me! He was white as a sheet when I threatened to hit the gas!"  
  
"Yeah man, finally your reckless drivin's good for somethin'!" Before Makoto could slap his best friend, he stepped between them, placing a hand on each of their shoulders. He directed his gaze towards the girl sitting on the floor, eagerly tapping away at her phone.   
  
"Hey Futaba, did you manage to get it?"  
  
"Sure did, heheh!" The girl snickered. "I'm sending it to you all right now! Man, he looks so dumb... You _sure_ we can't make it a meme? I could have it spread in no-time!"  
  
"No, not yet." He crouched down to her level to peer at the photo, taken in the middle of the accident. He was impressed she'd managed to get such a good angle, even with his face, but then again, Akechi _had_ been preoccupied. "Keep it just between us, I mean it. Maybe when all of this is over in a few months. We have to save _something_ for the long con, right?" _  
  
_ "Yeah yeah! I know, I know... Not a single person's gonna see this besides us. Unless we take it to the tabloids."  
  
"I still find it funny that you're even _possibly_ considering blackmail, Akira!" Makoto grinned down at both of them, looking far too smug. "Isn't that what you all used to hate me for?"  
  
"What can I say? Maybe I was _inspired!~"_  
  
"Oh, shush!"  
  
"If there's an opportunity, it would be wasteful of us not to take advantage. Wouldn't you _love_ to see that plastered on the news instead of everyone gawking over him?"

"Ugh, _I wish..."_ Makoto rolled her eyes, shaking her head with a chuckle. _"_ It really _would_ be wonderful, wouldn't it?"  
  
"Anyway, remember everyone, _no leaking it."_ he commanded, glancing at everyone to make sure they were listening. "We've still got a lot to do before we can have our fun. And Haru-" Pushing himself to his feet, he dipped his head. "I haven't forgotten about my promise. We really will do _everything we can_ to try and set him straight. We don't abandon anyone who can still be saved."  
  
"Thank you, Akira-kun." Even if she'd been enjoying this hazing a lot more than he'd expected, he still caught the sigh of relief from her. "I truly appreciate it."  
  
While the others went back to joking amongst themselves, swapping intel on what they'd witnessed during the Mementos trip and taking turns with impersonations, he took a moment to lean his back against the railing, glancing at the photo Futaba had just sent him. _  
  
Please, let this be the worst thing we have to do to you, Akechi..._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed, and feel free to leave a comment or kudos, I love hearing from you all! <3 I'll try to have some more new fics posted soon!


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